[Gay]

About the self-pity

  I read a touching story where is mentioned this self-pity thing and I decided to read and learn more about it and to share it here. Let me start with the Wikipedia's self-pity article:
"Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations. However, in a social context, it may result in either the offering of sympathy or advice. Self-pity may be considered normal, and in certain circumstances healthy, so long as it is transitory and leads to either acceptance or a determination to change the situation.

Description
Self-pity can be remarkably self-sustaining particularly in conjunction with depression or other conditions. However self-pity is a way of paying attention to oneself, albeit negatively; it is a means of self-soothing or self-nurturing ("I hurt so much").

Self-pity can also be linked as an emotional response that emerges in times of stress. In dealing with self-pity and stress, the most common tendency of reaction to stress is by feeling sorry for oneself. However, self-pity will also show individual differences within an individual that can be related to certain personality characteristics. Some of these personality characteristics are self-insecurity, depression and overindulgence in their failures, hardships and losses.

Social-learning theorists say that self-pity is a method for gaining attention, where a child received attention, support, and nurturing while being sick or hurt. The child then grows up having learned to give attention to oneself (or ask for attention from others) while in real or dramatized distress. Thus, another form of self-sustainment can be sympathy offered by others (for example, someone might use the phrase "oh, you poor thing" to comfort the person in self-pity).

Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and ones own emotions within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues."^{http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-pity http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Text_of_Creative_Commons_Attribution-ShareAlike_3.0_Unported_License}
 Very good and informative article! And here is the touching one (with some little edits of mine):

And here I am, lying on the floor, like Joe at the beginning of the last Trier’s movie. I am just f*cked.

I don’t know what to do, my head is like after several explosions and implosions, I am shivering, I almost choked because I can’t breathe sometimes. I want to cry so badly but i can’t do even this, I still feel this unbelievable pressure coming to top of my skull and I have no idea what to do about it. Actually I have plenty of ideas but I know I’ve already tried every single one of them in the past few years and months and the result has just come to this:

I’ve lost my job which was the most interesting thing I’ve ever been doing and I don’t know in person anybody who ever done something more interesting than this.

I’ve lost my best and in the end the only friends I’ve had. The people I’ve worked with and who were as close to me as it gets. Especially the one who were running things and whom I failed the most.

I’ve lost a woman of my dreams, which few days ago have send me just a ‘good luck’ email and apparently blocked my email address (which is thing she does regularly to most males she encounters in her life) and I am sure she won’t ever talk to me again. My Y.T. who loved one particular book I didn’t even bothered to read until we’ve already stopped talking to each other…

I am in the country where everyone speaks language I don’t understand and most of the labels and signs are not even in the Latin. I am in Greece and I am alone. Completely.

There are probably very few places in Europe where a man could watch more beautiful sunset, yet I’ve almost never been able to enjoy it to a grade that I would say to myself “This is enough”.  Which is the problem with me - I just can’t have enough ever.  I had so much but I demanded more. Not just wanted or desired, I demanded it to the extent that I was unable to feel how much I actually have. I had money, I had people who understand, I had a girlfriend who was able to perceive reality. I’ve throw it away, all of it, because I just wanted MORE.

I wanted people to love me back when I love them (or when I did what I though was love). I wanted people to be honest to me when I am honest to them. I wanted justice. I wanted that it would be all fair. I wanted people and world and God to appreciate what I am doing and how much effort I am putting into it and how much I want that things would go well. I wanted to be close to people even if they were unable to take it in their own schizophrenia and isolation. I wanted to be honest in a relationship and I didn’t want any games. I wanted everything from everyone, I wanted a full connection, I want it pure and bright and I wanted to feel God’s presence in every breath I take.

I just wanted. I demanded it. I couldn’t stand to live without it. I blamed the world, I blame myself, I blamed others… I was cruel and mean to others and unwilling to come to any sort of a real compromise where I would be holding the heaviness of this existence on my back and acknowledge that all of this just ISN’T perfect and never will be. But it could, it just could be… enough. Enough to live. It was enough. And more than that. Much more than that. Which is the most stupid part…

Yes, of course I had to loose it all just to know that ‘it can be done’ and that ‘you can live here’. Of course I see it now. Now. Consumed with self-pity, regret and incredible fear from future. I was never this scared in my life. I had to come through this stupid childish self destruction again only to find what I’ve already known – that you should be god damn glad for every single piece of life you’ve been given for your effort – whatever that effort is and whatever you think it should be rewarded. Because we die. We all die. And I said many times I want to die “cuz the deal we have with this world is just not good enough”, but now… now I fear Death probably the first time in my life and I can’t even say how horrible is that. I am terrified. I am shaking like the last sad leaf on the branch. When my boss and closest friend and person in my life told me to fuck off and it was obvious that this time it just won’t get better and he won’t feel sorry for me again, then in that moment my heart almost stopped. I was unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to do anything, I just though I was going to die right there. From that moment I know I won’t ever commit a suicide and that there is just no way around the facts of life I’ve always had so trouble to deal with. I have to learn how to live here, how to be able to really love people and myself even though we are all flawed and there is simply no perfection. And I have to learn how to submit to it.

And somehow I have to do all of this in a way that it won’t be just another foolish ‘hey leave some piece for me guys’ thing. That it won’t be just some selfish annoying effort to redeem myself. I want to know how to do this. But it could be just all the same again. WANTING  something. I already know there is nothing entirely wrong with wanting things, but me really wanting something always leads to dead end. I can’t take just one bite, just one nice sunset, just one night…

I am always eager for more.

Even now.^{http://friendlyurl.net/i-can-fear-death/}