☯☼☯ SEO and Non-SEO (Science-Education-Omnilogy) Forum ☯☼☯
Non - SEO knowledge => Other topics => Topic started by: 英语课 on August 05, 2012, 11:27:35 AM
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Let's have some fun every day!
A smile can make you ten years younger. Happiness is the best cosmetic. ;D
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Smart Student
Teacher: Name some of Thomas Edison's contributions to science.
Student: If it weren't for Edison, we'd all be watching television by candle light.
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An Essay
"Now, children," said the teacher, "I want you to write me an essay without a theme - just put down what is in you."
Ten minutes later Jimmy handed in the following:
"In me there is a heart, a lung, and an appendix. And there is a stomach with two pieces of bread and butter, an apple, and five caramel."
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Mother and Bank
Every time when a child asked his mother for money, she would say, "What do you think I am? A bank?"
So the child went to ask for money in a bank. The clerk said to him, "What do you think I am? Your mother?"
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;D Like a vicious circle: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtuous_circle_and_vicious_circle
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WOW! Literally; to the letter! ;D
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Hehe, so "smart" that even hasn't idea about the old vacuum tube television sets. :)
More about the vacuum tube: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vacuum_tube#History_and_development
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No Wonder
"Has the laundry make a mistake?" asked Mr. Brown. "This shirt is so tight I can hardly breathe."
"Yes, it's your shirt all right." replied his wife, "but you've got your head through a buttonhole."
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More Reliable
We were discussing various kinds of clocks in my kindergarten class. "Now you have an alarm clock at home, don't you?" I asked one of the pupils.
"Oh, no," he replied, "we don't need one. We have a grandmother."
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WOW! The buttonhole!... ;D ;D ;D It's really unexpected! Good, very good joke!
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Reliable
That's the word! 8) Do you know what I think? I think sometimes the titles of the jokes are also as funny or/and smart as the joke (the content of the joke) itself! "More reliable" ;D Nice! Really. :)
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We Have The Same Mother
Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher assigned them to write a composition "My Mother". Davy wrote one and Billy just copied it. On the next day, the teacher asked Billy, "How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy's?"
"We have the same mother, don't we?" replied Billy.
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Unreasonable Complaint
Two friends were having dinner together. There was only one dish with two fish in it, one larger and the other smaller. One of the friends got the larger fish and the other was very angry.
"How selfish you are!" he cried.
"Why?" his friend was surprised.
"You've got the larger fish."
"What would you do if you were me?"
"I'm sure I would choose the smaller one."
"Then what are you complaining of? You've got your smaller fish."
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What Lincoln Did?
Father: "Get up, son. When Lincoln was your age, do you know what he was doing?"
Son: "No, Dad, I don't. But I do know what he was doing when he was your age."
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Good Answer
Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said,"Now, I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk."
The applicant responded,"I'm your man, sir. Can I have my salary in advance?"
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Walking Dog
The little boy was making a manful effort to lead a large, shaggy dog. "Where are you taking him?' he was asked.
"I don't know yet," the lad replied, "but when he makes up his mind where he wants to go, I'm going to take him there."
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Who for Whom
Dismayed by the size of the Newfoundland dog given to him for his birthday, the small boy wanted to know, "Is he for me, or am I for him?"
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Keep It Confidential
"Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion?"
"Sure we do -- but I don't tell her about it."
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Modern Life
Two old friends got together after many years and soon fell to discussing their husbands' faults.
"We've been married fifteen years," one woman said,"and every night after dinner my husband complains about the food."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the other. "Does it bother you?"
"Why should it bother me" her friend replied. "if he can't stand his own cooking?"
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Both Mistaken
An author once praised another writer heartily to a third person.
"It is strange," replied the other, "that you speak so well of him, for he says you are a quack."
"Oh," replied the author, "it is very likely that both of us may be mistaken."
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Modern Mathematics
How old are you? When a census taker asked a certain woman this, she said, "Well, now, let me figure it out. I was eighteen when I married and my husband was thirty. He is now sixty, or twice as old as he was then, so I am now thirty-six."
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Made a Hundred
Boy: I made a hundred in school today, Mom.
Mom: Good! What did you make it in?
Boy: Well, I made forty in reading, thirty in spelling, and thirty in arithmetic.
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Wanted To Help
Teacher: If there are any dumbbells in the room, please stand up.
(After a long pause, a student stood up.)
Teacher: What! Do you consider yourself a dumbbell?
Student: Well, not exactly that, sir, but I hate to see you standing all alone.
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Joke
When a woman parishioner called at her clergyman's home, the minister's little son blurted out, "My, how ugly you are!"
Horrified, his mother exclaimed, "Johnny, whatever do you mean by saying such a thing?"
"I only meant it for a joke, Mother," Johnny stammered.
"Well," his mother purred unwittingly, "how much better the joke would have been if you had said to Mrs. Smith, 'How pretty you are!'"
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Balancing the Budget
Harried wife, figuring at a desk, to husband and children, "Well, I worked out a budget, but one of us will have to go."
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Education
Mama Mouse was introducing her offspring to the ways of the world when they were confronted by a cat. Mama immediately began barking like a dog. The cat took off.
Turning back to her young, Mama announced, "That shows the importance of learning a second language!"
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Eternal Puzzle
"Oh, mamma, I want to ask you something."
"All right, dearest."
And then dearest says -- "You never saw me before I was born, did you, mamma?"
"No, darling."
And then the darling says --"Then how did you know it was me?"
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Mother and Bank
Every time when a child asked his mother for money, she would say, "What do you think I am? A Bank?"
So the child went to ask for money in a bank. The clerk said to him, "What do you think I am? Your mother?"
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Smart
Old Lady: Isn't it wonderful how these filling-station people know where to set up pumps and get gas?
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Trying
A mother, distressed about her daughter's report card, called the school.
"Isn't she trying?" she asked the child's teacher.
The teacher sighed wearily, "Yes, very."
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Did Your Father Help You?
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
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Rivals
Two rival authoresses met the other day. One had just had a new book published.
First: Darling, I think it's a masterpiece. Who wrote it for you?
Second: I'm so glad you like it. Who read it for you?
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Gallant and Buoyant
A plump old lady struggled up onto a bus without her husband making any attempt to help her. "Eh, Henry," she said, as she sank into a seat, "you ain't as gallant as you were when I was a gal."
"No, luv," he replied, "and you ain't as buoyant as you were when I was a boy."
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Biblical
An exasperated saleman parked his car in a no-parking zone, and left this note for the policeman, who he felt sure would spot it, “I've circled this block twenty times. I have an appointment and must keep it or I will lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses!"
Upon returning, he found this note, “I've circled this block twenty years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation!"
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Most summer Olympic events have no practical value, which is why the balance beam is so refreshing. When “beam-ers” retire, even the worst ones can beat field sobriety tests for the rest of their lives.
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Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
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Ha ha!
A student: My father's name is LAUGHING and my mother's name is SMILING.
His teacher: You must be kidding?
The student: No. That's my brother. I'm JOKING...
:P ;D
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Some vegan jokes I like:
1)
-- Why don't vegans eat birds?
-- Because birds have eggs in them!
;D
2)
-- Why did the tofu cross the road?
-- To prove it wasn't chicken.
;)
3)
ATTENTION! This one is my f-a-v-o-r-i-t-e!
-- What does a vegan zombie eats?
-- "Ggggggrraaaiiinnnsss!"
;D :P ;D :P ;D :P ;D :P
4)
-- How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
-- Only one, if nobody's looking.
:o ;D
The End
8)
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I wish my wallet was as fat as I am.
;D:P;D